The one year of Parker’s death was nearly as difficult as I had imagined. Maybe it is because everyday is hard. Or maybe it is because of my wonderful friends. Lisa stayed with me most of the day, brought me my favorite double doozie cookie and we went out to lunch with the hubbies. Melody visited and brought me a lovely orchid. I had many phone calls, emails and cards from my sweet friends. My biggest gift was when Mequel brought me the greatest gifts from both of the DeLand MOPS groups. It was a tiny Magnolia Tree from the Magnolia Co with an engraved plaque that said In Memory of Parker Underwood, Love your MOPS friends. I thought that was the gift and was so thankful! Then I read the card…they are also getting a statue for the memory garden at the church we attend and where MOPS is held AND my dear friend Mary and her family at the Magnolia Co is donating a Magnolia Tree and the group has reserved a spot at Sunflower Park (in downtown DeLand) to have a memorial set up. I was blown away! Thank you, thank you my friends! Or maybe it was just God’s Grace!

3 days later Paige turned 19 months. This day which more difficult because this was the age that Parker was diagnosed with leukemia. If that wasn’t hard enough…I’ve spent the last 3 days at doctors appointments with Paige. She has had a fever for a week and definitely has been out of character. First thought was UTI, then enlarged kidneys, then pneumonia. Sunday night we went to an After Hours office where they TRIED to catheterize her to get a urine sample. After 2 1/2 hours there we were told to go home with no answers. Yesterday we went to our pediatric office where they put a bag on Paige…of course she didn’t pee in the hour we were there. The nurse could tell she couldn’t catheterize her so the doctor said they had to do a pubic tap. This is just like a spinal tap, but they insert the needle in the pubic area. Thankfully our doctor was able to use a small needle and got a good sample. Sample was clean though – no infection. Then they tested her for the flu – which is a swab shoved up the nose (more painful then the needle – so says her scream). Negative. Then she received 2 shots in either thigh of antibiotic. This morning we went again for a follow-up. Her last fever was at 2am – and thankfully no more today. At the time of our visit the urine lab results weren’t in. We were then sent to radiology for an ultrasound of her kidneys and bladder and a chest x-ray.

She screamed for both. While I was in the waiting room awaiting the results and lady asked how old she was – I told her – and she told me how it reminded her of her child at this age going for tests. I told her I was sorry as I started to cry…she thought I meant just because I was crying in front of her…then I told her about Parker. How all of this reminded me of him. She was very sympathetic. Then the manager came in (no clue what we were talking about) and brought us drinks and snacks (which did wonders for Paige in calming her down). She continued to offer things, books, disney channel…they were so nice there. Again, thankfully, all results were negative. She is now on an oral antibiotic and we’ll see what happens next. Oh! So the hardest part! Yesterday when we were leaving the exam room after all her trauma – the nurses and doctors tell her bye and she blows them a kiss!! She did it again today! How did I get the sweetest children?!?!?!

Christmas was tough this year – especially at our house. I had all of our stockings up including Parker’s. I made a separate little ornament tree with his special ones on it (I get the kids one of every year). I also found some little Thomas the Train toys that I had gotten him after Christmas in 06 – to give to him in 07 in my wrapping bin. Just little memories here and there.

This will be my last post in this site. I will continue to update Parker’s Pals info on www.parkerspals.org and I will soon have a new site which I will “unveil” soon (I’ll post it here and on Parker’s Pals).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Tears began again tonight. As I stood outside holding Payton’s hand (as she asked question after question) all I could do was reflect at the last time we watched the night launch in ’06…I was holding Payton’s hand and Aaron was holding Parker in his arms.

We sat down for our first meal and Aaron brought out a highchair for Paige to use. Of course it was the same one that Parker sat in the entire month and also had his first birthday cake in/on (it is still my background on my myspace page). So obviously many things triggered emotions that weekend and I came home a little “un-spirited”. I began thinking of the 17th of this month and what we should do. I was then kindly reminded/told to stop trying to plan things. Because when I do I don’t deal with it. As much as that advice might be true – I don’t like it. I feel like I have to be in control and I have to have a plan.

Last night Aaron and I started watching video clips from Parker and the kids in the hospital. It was amazing to see how much Payton and Paige have grown. And so incredibly hard to know that I can’t say the same about Parker.

It was bitter-sweet watching the videos. We knew that he went through very physically changing moments – but to see it now. How swollen he was, the yellow around the eyes…how he moved so slowly to pull tissue paper out of a present he received. He couldn’t lift is head to look at me – he would just move his eyes towards me and say “mommy, wad you doin”. I would respond with “just watching you” and he said “ohhhh”. Another clip was Parker giving me the biggest, longest, most memorable kiss…then we were done he yelled “MOVE”. I loved seeing Payton and Parker interacting. He would barely touch her and she would fall down all crazy and it would crack him up. And the sweet way he said Paiggggg.

I told Aaron afterwards that I had forgotten what Parker’s voice sounded like. He reminded me that I didn’t forget, because I surely did recall it when I heard it again. I think it is amazing how we remember certain things he said – I guess because he said it all the time. It was good to hear some of the again last night “Pay-Pay, Beast (for beauty and the beast), ‘eggie tales, MOVE, okay…so many!

Aaron recalled how Parker would ask him in the middle of the night “wad you doin’” – daddy would say grumpily (after the 7th time) “sleeping” and Parker would be satisfied and say “okay” – which writing it here sounds nothing like his sweet voice saying it.

I questioned whether or not Payton would continue to remember Parker. We figure she will, bits and pieces, because it was so impactful on her own life. But Paige only has the pictures on the walls that we walk by everyday.

Needless to say everyday is heartache and longing. With November 17th approaching and marking one year that we last held Parker – the tears will probably flow a little more – but the emptiness is just as fresh and real as it is every day.

*Thank you so much to Tracy and friends for the Creative Memory products. I look forward to working on Parker’s Disney pictures
**Thank you the the quilters at Christ Community Church in DeLand for creating a masterpiece of memories for us.