We went to Young Life’s Southwind camp a couple weeks ago to watch Aaron do program for a couple hundred middle school kids. When I got there I realized that the last time that Payton and I were there was with Parker in the summer of 2006. Aaron had a month long assignment there and the kids had a blast. We also celebrated Parker’s 1st birthday there.
We sat down for our first meal and Aaron brought out a highchair for Paige to use. Of course it was the same one that Parker sat in the entire month and also had his first birthday cake in/on (it is still my background on my myspace page). So obviously many things triggered emotions that weekend and I came home a little “un-spirited”. I began thinking of the 17th of this month and what we should do. I was then kindly reminded/told to stop trying to plan things. Because when I do I don’t deal with it. As much as that advice might be true – I don’t like it. I feel like I have to be in control and I have to have a plan.
Last night Aaron and I started watching video clips from Parker and the kids in the hospital. It was amazing to see how much Payton and Paige have grown. And so incredibly hard to know that I can’t say the same about Parker.
It was bitter-sweet watching the videos. We knew that he went through very physically changing moments – but to see it now. How swollen he was, the yellow around the eyes…how he moved so slowly to pull tissue paper out of a present he received. He couldn’t lift is head to look at me – he would just move his eyes towards me and say “mommy, wad you doin”. I would respond with “just watching you” and he said “ohhhh”. Another clip was Parker giving me the biggest, longest, most memorable kiss…then we were done he yelled “MOVE”. I loved seeing Payton and Parker interacting. He would barely touch her and she would fall down all crazy and it would crack him up. And the sweet way he said Paiggggg.
I told Aaron afterwards that I had forgotten what Parker’s voice sounded like. He reminded me that I didn’t forget, because I surely did recall it when I heard it again. I think it is amazing how we remember certain things he said – I guess because he said it all the time. It was good to hear some of the again last night “Pay-Pay, Beast (for beauty and the beast), ‘eggie tales, MOVE, okay…so many!
Aaron recalled how Parker would ask him in the middle of the night “wad you doin’” – daddy would say grumpily (after the 7th time) “sleeping” and Parker would be satisfied and say “okay” – which writing it here sounds nothing like his sweet voice saying it.
I questioned whether or not Payton would continue to remember Parker. We figure she will, bits and pieces, because it was so impactful on her own life. But Paige only has the pictures on the walls that we walk by everyday.
Needless to say everyday is heartache and longing. With November 17th approaching and marking one year that we last held Parker – the tears will probably flow a little more – but the emptiness is just as fresh and real as it is every day.
*Thank you so much to Tracy and friends for the Creative Memory products. I look forward to working on Parker’s Disney pictures
**Thank you the the quilters at Christ Community Church in DeLand for creating a masterpiece of memories for us.