After much prayer, tears and conversation, Aaron and I have decided that it is in Parker’s best interest to give Parker’s health completely to God. This means that we are no longer going to take control and interfere with God’s mighty plan for Parker’s life. We do not see this as us giving up – but finally giving control to the one who we should have given this to from the very beginning. This is the hardest decision we have ever had to make – and I wholeheartedly pray that you never have to go through this.

I constantly have to remind myself that we are not quitting on Parker. This is so incredibly hard especially when you see him laughing, smirking, asking for a lollipop or to watch Laurie “Berkner”. But then I see the lymph nodes protruding from his neck or on his arm. I see the discoloration around his eyes and yellow tone. His swollen, peeling feet poking from under the blanket and then I know. I know that this is what we need to do. For Parker. We need to finally let the ultimate physician take control. He can choose to heal…or…he can choose to bring him home.

My heart is utterly breaking right now. I’m crying for my baby. I’m crying because I can do nothing to save him, except pray for a mighty miracle. Parents are supposed to make everything okay – but Aaron and I are so helpless and that pains us more than you’d ever know. I think of having to pack up the RMH and hospital room…I think of loading the kids in car and having an empty car seat…I think of going to our home and not having him running around… having to pack up his room. I think of Paige never knowing him. Oh my gosh – this hurts so badly.

Thanks mom and Diane for my late night cry fest. You truly helped me.

It is hard walking through the halls and people (those that know us and those that don’t) asking how Parker is today. Um, hello, he is dying! But I put on my Girl Scout smile and say he is fine. I’m not sure how to respond. I don’t want to go in full detail and get emotional – most probably really don’t want the whole story – it is just the thing to ask as you walk by. I shouldn’t say they don’t really want the details – I just don’t think they would expect to get that kind of response. I don’t want to cry about it on the phone or with people who stop by. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to enjoy Parker as Parker. I don’t want to look at Parker and see him as dying (and I don’t want others to do that either) – I want to see him as our little Parker who is living and loves life.

I know that if God decides to take Parker home, that is what is best for Parker. After all, isn’t that our ultimate goal? How awesome that Parker only has to wait 2 years to reach it. He sure got lucky! But my heart and my arms will miss him so.

Sarah mentioned Make A Wish to us today – and then I reminded her he his too young (you have to be 2 ½ – he is only 2 and 4 months). She said she, child life, the doctor and social worker would do everything they could do get the exception made. They talked about having day out (Disney or something) as a family. That would be great – but I think that it would be too overwhelming. I still definitely want to get him out there and give him a ride in the van like he has wanted. I’ve tried to think of other things that would be Make A Wish worthy. XBOX 360? (nope, that’s daddy’s wish). Trip to Beaches in Jamaica? (nope, that’s mommy’s wish). A visit/concert with Laurie Berkner? Yes!! That’s it!! Parker loves Berkner! So…if anyone has any connections with her PLEASE let me know quickly. Obviously we want this to happen as quickly as possible so he can enjoy it.

Please, continue your blessed prayers for the Underwood Family.